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[Tuesday
September 6th 7:36am] |
so much to say and no time to write.
i know, i know, i owe you all a MAJOR update.
dont worry, it will come.
till then, just know im ok. and i love you all.
<33
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[Friday
August 19th 7:34am] |
hey guys. i just thought i`d throw you a quick update. im grounded again, but its really worth it this time. like ive gotten something out of it. and me and my mom are closer now. uhm. school started. its cool. i dont see kris or lizz at all. which is depressing. but i have lunch with annalisa & n.votta & TJ. and thats cool. they are fun. uhm, me & derrick broke up. no biggie. its cool. we are still friends. and blah blah. he didnt want a girlfriend. and i didnt care either way. i guess like ... idk. i mean, i still like him, but i dont care if i have a boyfriend now or not. like before it was all i wanted, but now i dont care. yeahhh. anyways. there are two guys that i`ve been staring at in school. but idk. they are jsut cute. OH AND I LOVED THE HOT BRITISH DUDES AT SCHOOL! me & cole & analisa stalked them at lunch. [dont ask] anyways gotta go.
love, stephanie
leave me love on here & on myspace click
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[Sunday
August 7th 11:03pm] |
so today turned out alright i guess. work was pretty busy, so i didnt get a chance to think about not wanting to be there. and i got off 2 hours early. and went to see derrick at work. :]
i feel like im bugging him for some reason. probably am. i should leave him alone a little or something. he doesnt always have to be with me. nor do i expect him to want to be. thats just me. when i really like someone i want to be with them a lot. and i understand if they dont want to be around me as much. im just a sucker for love. or maybe just for someone that i think is amazingly hott. who knows.
tonight i went to AJ`s and hung out with AJ, Kev & Kristen. pretty sweet. me & kev went and saw derrick at work ;] which made my night. haha. not that hanging out with them wasnt totally sweet, just y`know. haha. geez. i sound obsessed. oh well.
im probably going to have to get offline before derrick even gets online. :[ which sucks.
seems like we never talk anymore because hes always out and im always having to go to bed or something gay. :[ i think i work 4-close tomorrow night. but i dont really remember. i work 10 -4 on tuesday because i swapped with someone because wednesday is orientation at school. i`m kinda excited. but shh, dont tell. i`m just pumped about it being my senior year. haha. there is so much to do this year. prom & graduation & ahh. it`s going to kick some hardcore ass. but the work will suck. hopefully i`ll get mrs. sheckter for anatomy. :] hells yeah. and i`ll see beamypoo [god im going to miss chem so much] a lot, because i love her like woah. haha. <3
anyways, i`m out. ♥
I am who I am who I am who am I
Requesting some enlightenment
Could I have been anyone other than me?
Dancing Nancies - Dave Matthews Band
( finish it up )
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[Sunday
August 7th 10:35am] |
where are you now?
as i`m swimming through the stereo
i`m writing you a symphony of sound
where are you now?
as I rearrange the songs again
this mix could burn a hole in anyone
but it was y o u I was thinking of
i hope i see derrick today. and i hope my mom doesnt act stupid. summer is almost over. only 1 week left. and its goung to suck hardcore. i vote for a trip to violets this weekend. lemme know whos up for it. haha.
im on call today, but i dont think im going to call in. if they need me, they can call me. i dont feel like working. it looks rainy outside, idk. fuckers. oh well.
camerons birthday is on wednesday. :[ i`m debating on whether or not to call him and say happy birthday. i mean, i want to. but i dont know what i would say if he answer. i think i might, just because i want to be nice. besides, i dont want to get back with him. i just want to say happy birthday. geez.
things are good with me && derrick. honestly, i love being around him. but i feel myself getting really attached. and that freaks me out. because idk what he is thinking. because he hasnt said anything. hope he still fhkdjkbghdygharuighdjlbndk i dunno.
ok, this is longish. yeah. ♥ stephanie
ps i fucking have to work.fuck fuck fuck i hate today.
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[Saturday
August 6th 5:35pm] |
i fucking hate my mom.
i fucking hate math.
i fucking hate everything.
kthnxfuckingbye.
ugh. i really hate today. like really really hate it. not only did i wake up hungover, i had to wear the damn bear outfit in a parade, and i didnt get to go out tonight. fuckkk. oh well. i did see derrick for like 2 seconds. haha. thats not enough for me. hopefully i can see him tomorrow. fucking computer site. i hate it, really i honestly do. it`s the only thing keeping me from my love. :[ ugh. ihatemath,nowonerifaileditduringthefuckingyear. im an idiot. anyways. i`m done. i love derrick to death. i wish i was with him. he should be home around 10ish. hopefully. :[ hmm. wonder who he is with. uhmmm, im out. <3
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[Saturday
August 6th 4:25pm] |
last night was awesome. went to AJs & smoked. went to Violets and got drunk. spent time with my lover. tonight im going bowling with lizz, derrick & brenden. yay. <3
ok, pictures [only 4, but deal]
( party over here )
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[Friday
August 5th 8:14am] |
my mom grounded me from the computer for two days because i didnt put my clothes into the dryer for two days. then she took my phone away for being on it past 11:30 with derrick. wahh wahhhh. ohwell, i dont care. i got my 1st fillings yesterday. they fucking gave me two shots in my jaw and i drooled all over everywhere. and the fucker was making me really mad. oh well. my mouth was completely numb. it really sucked. anyways. tonight i`m going out with derrick. to Violets i think. some kareokee bar. idk. we might not even go. but we shall see. tomorrow night im spending time with lizz and derrick & brenden. wahoo. i kick ass. anyways. i took some pictures of my SR. pictures because well, im cool. and dont have a scanner anymore. SAHWEET. so here you goo. <3
( wow, i love you )
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[Tuesday
August 2nd 9:21pm] |
derrick is over at AJs with kev, aj & some girls. hope he is having a blast. i trust that he wont do anything, its just i`m a jealous person. idk. i hate being home when everyone else is off hanging out with their friends. i`ve been sitting online talking to aaron. he randomly commented me on myspace. so we were just talking. err. i hate being jealous. anyways. everyone is going to warped tour tomorrow night. i`m not. only my boss called and was like "oh hey, remember those braves tickets? well, i cant get them, so im getting OAR tickets instead, if you want to go with me. and bring derrick" wtf? i told lizz i didnt want her to buy me a ticket. and then my boss is like "oh hey, we are going." im like well sweet. idk. like i dont want lizz to be pissed. but i do want to go. idk. ahhhh. oh well. its all good. saw derrick today. im in a bad mood. just being jealous. derrick will probably be home around 10:30 or 11. who knows. whatever. i`m out. ♥ stephanie
[edit] lizz`s mom said yes to our bandaids next year. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG ahh. i`m pumped. lizz just like made my night. i love you. besties. <3333
[edit @ 11:09] lizz put it best. healing is good, but painful. i`m working on it. and i`m fucking pissed for some reason. idk why. i just am. really pissed. fuck everything right now. seriously.
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[Monday
August 1st 11:49pm] |
today was good. derrick came to my pool. and things happened. good things. amazing-wonderful-best ever things. and thats that. haha. lizz got upset. and we semifought, but we worked it all out. i love her times a million. i seriously would die without her. like SERIOUSLY haha. anyways.
i`m NOT ready for summer to be over. but i`m ready for this school year. because its my last in high school. however, if i dont get to have lunch with lizz, i will die. it needs to be me, lizz & kris at lunch damn it. so we can be emo together. haha. and AJ might go to my school. and that would make me realllly happy. haha. <3 k, im out.
oh ... ps ... LIFE IS GOOD
x smay: awww. geez lizz. we are both like happy and have guys and have each other. life is fucking awesome. :]
se souvenir moi: i knoww
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[Sunday
July 31st 11:25pm] |
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lizz said i was in a good mood, i wanted to tell her that she was crazy, but the truth is ... i really really am. derrick makes me happy as hell. and i love how i feel when im with him. he`s gotten really outgoing around me. and i love it. i love how he always has a hand on me when we are together. makes me feel ... safe [not to sound all cliche haha but its true] i know that hes not fucking around with me either. i`m excited. about everything. but i must go to bed. ♥ smayy
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[Friday
July 29th 11:40pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Iron & Wine - Love and Some Verses |
] |
love && some verses you hear
say what you can`t say
love to say this in your ear,
"i`ll love you that way"
derrick left this morning for North Carolina. he came & picked me up at like 8:50ish and than we went & got bagels. than we came back to my playground. and sat and ate and talked and kissed. he`s really something else. really really. like ... i want to be with him as often as possible. and just seeing him makes me smile. he bought me flowers and gave them to me this morning. they are pink, my favorite color. i`m head over heels crazy for him. he just called me not to long ago just to tell me that he misses me and next year i`m going with him. lovelovelovelovelovelovelove geez. i`m happppy.
i found my old picture site with tons of pictures of me and cameron. i didnt get sad. i was like "we had some good times" and was done with it. derrick really opened my eyes. like ... he makes everything that any other guy i`ve dated has done look so unattractive. like ... i can`t explain it. he just treats me like i`m the most important person to him. and i love that feeling. hell, i think i just love everything about him. ♥
so, i FINALLY got in touch with lizzums. she was at some cabin. haha. loserrr. anyways. we are going shopping tomorrow. my emo lunch crew & i. haha. [me, kris & lizz] anyways. i`m outta herre.
lovelove stephanie
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[Friday
July 29th 12:52am] |
derrick is leaving tomorrow for the weekend. i`m gunna miss him. like a lot a lot a lot a lot. i`ve been thinking about things and ... i`m truly happier than i ever was with cameron. and yeah, thats a big thing to say ... but its true. ♥ stepha
i am thinking it`s a sign that the freckles
in our eyes are mirror images && when
we kiss they`re p e r f e c t l y aligned.
&& I have to speculate that God himself
did make us into corresponding shapes like
puzzle p i e c e s from the clay
&& true, it may seem like a stretch, but
it`s thoughts like this that c a t c h my troubled
head when you`re away when I am missing you to death
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[Thursday
July 28th 2:11pm] |
Your dating personality profile:
Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.
Stylish - You do not lack for fashion sense. Style matters. You wouldn't want to be seen with someone who doesn't care about his appearance.
Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love. | Your date match profile:
Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life.
Outgoing - Shy and timid people are not who you are after. You need someone with a vibrant personality to breathe life into a relationship.
Funny - You consider a good sense of humor a major necessity in a date. If his jokes make you laugh, he has won your heart. | Your Top Ten Traits
1. Liberal
2. Stylish
3. Big-Hearted
4. Funny
5. Shy
6. Adventurous
7. Romantic
8. Practical
9. Sensual
10. Traditional
| Your Top Ten Match Traits
1. Big-Hearted
2. Outgoing
3. Funny
4. Practical
5. Stylish
6. Adventurous
7. Conservative
8. Traditional
9. Romantic
10. Sensual
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Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions
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[Wednesday
July 27th 6:53pm] |
i`m addicted to writing in this damn thing. i guess its because i have nothing better to do online anymore. besides talk to derrick. and mess with myspace. so, i`ve decided [just for you derrick] that i will start to work out a little. once i get better. i`ll do sit ups or something. [we shall see how long that one lasts]
i changed my layout. it looks pretty hot. :] i`m sitting here...doing nothing thinking about things that are bugging me like crazy. maybe i should write about them. but i dont really want to. its not really bugging me, its just i feel like i`m making a fool outta myself in someways. hell i should just write it, since i`m semi-talking about it.
i just feel like i`m making a fool outta myself with derrick. like ... i like him .a lot and i dont want to have him get annoyed or whatever with how i am in relationships. like he said that i acted different with him yesterday than i did before. he said it was like i liked him more than before. but the thing is, i don`t think i do. i liked him just as much before, i just didn`t let him know it. it`s just now that we are offically dating, i was like "time to let the guard down, and let him get closer to me." and so i was more ... loving with him i guess. like i dunno. i can`t tell you what i did differently. but apparently it was something. i don`t want him to get like freaked out. or not like me like i like him. i dunno. i`m just freaking out about it. because ... well, i like him. haha. and i shouldnt write all this in here, because he reads it but i dunno. ahh. i have to do my math shiot now. so i`ll edit this entry and write some more later. ♥ stephanie/smay/stepha
ps .sched. for this week & next.
thursday 3:30 - 11
saturday 3:30 - 11
sunday 1 - 7
monday 5 - 10
wednesday 5 - 10
friday 4 -10
saturday 8:30 - 3
[edit @ 7:25] i really dont feel like doing math. i`m kinda depressed. like i feel really gross. [PMS ew] like i feel really fat and lonely. ha. i hate this feeling. can we just say DIET?! yeah, tomorrow. asdhjvbhkfgert ugh, i don`t feel like doing anything at all. i dont even want to go to the pool. i feel like a cow. man, thats hot. gotta lose weight. someone bring me flowers. i want someone to love me again. i miss it. i miss being the most important person to someone. i miss love. god. its sad. i`m off for now, but don`t worry, i`ll be back i`m sure.
[edit @ 10:36] i`m better now. this is a reallly long entry, but i`m in a weird mood today. derrick just made my day by saying that he thought about me all day ♥
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[Wednesday
July 27th 2:17pm] |
i`m falling again. damn me & my heart. it`s stupid. ha. sometimes i think that i get sucked into everything because it`s just how things are for me. always. i`m very much so all or nothing in relationships. so i give it my all, and normally get nothing. geez. that`s ironic right? anyway.
lizz is dead i swear to god, i cant get intouch with the ho. i wanted to see if she wanted to go see Charlie & the Chocolate Factory with me on saturday. but nooo, the stupid butthead doesnt answer her damn phone. mofo. grrr.
derrick is going outta town for the weekend. that kinda sucks. i`m gunna miss him. but its only a weekend. haha. we were talking about kisses and he told me that he hasnt kissed me enough. and i was like WOW! thats really sweet! made me smile. haha. ♥
i have work tonight at 4. i`m still sick. booo. :( uhm yeahhh. i`m outta hereee ♥
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[Tuesday
July 26th 10:38pm] |
today was a lot of fun. minus the getting up and taking apart my bedroom. i had to get up at like 6:00 and organize and take apart my room so we can get the new furniture into my room. that sucked. than derrick came and picked me up & we went to AJ`s to wake up Kevin who was going with us. anyways. we FINALLY got Kevin up and than we went off to six flags. we jammed to Matchbox 20. going old school. :] it was cool. kevin & derrick are awesome. haha. anyways. we got there and rode [in order, i think haha] the scorcher, thunder river [2x in a row], the ninja, bumpercars, sky buckets, superman, the train, & batman. it was fun. we left kinda early. around 3:30 i guess. than we went to AJ`s house again, and me and derrick took a nap. and i kept staring at him, because i`m glad that i decided to go out with him. i think i freaked him out. [sorry ]: ] than AJ made us leave because hes gay [jk] and we went to subway & i went to kroger for a sec. than derrick took me to carvel to get ice cream, and i was saying that cameron worked at the pet place next door. right before we left, i went inside to pee, and when i came back out derrick was like " oh hey, a black BMW pulled up, a little guy got out, and ran inside the pet place and ran back out " [cameron, incase you didnt know] kinda bothered me a little. i know i`ll eventually run into him...its just i`m very happy right now, and i dont need cameron confusing me and shit. he would do that too. so i`m glad i wasnt there to see him. i dont honestly know how i`d act. but it doesnt even matter. because i`ve moved on to someone a million trillion, bajillion [not a number, deal with it] times better. so i`m not really worried about it anymore. anyways. after we left there we went to derricks house and guess who was there? inna of all people. we smoked. [1st time since forever. i`m awesome] it was fun. derrick is amazing. i cannot stress that enough. can`t explain it. we were laying on AJs bed and i was just sitting there, thinking about how he makes me happy. like a different happy than what cameron made me. i really cant explain it. anyways, i was looking at him, and when he saw me looking at him, he`d smile that amazing smile. ahhh. if i werent sick ... ahhh :) anyways. he`s so damn sweet to me. and i love it. maybe this will work out for me. maybe derrick is the awesome guy that everyone keeps saying that i deserve. haha. i guess i`ll find out. well. i`m off. ♥ steph
ps if this is weird rambling ... i`m high. so forgive me. haha. <33
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[Monday
July 25th 10:35pm] |
so i`m going to six flags tomorrow even though i`m getting sick. i cant get in touch with lizz. did she fall off the face of the earth? i think she just might have. so i was thinking about relationships while at work today. and i made a list of my favorite things in relationships. haha. [ok, so i`m in this odd happy love/liking obsessed mood] so deal with it.
top things my boyfriend can do
[♥] give me compliments [i.e. tell me i`m beautiful, that i make them happy, if they love me...that they love me, that my hair looks good a certain way. pretty much ANYTHING that is nice. i`ll love it.]
[♥] buy me little stupid presents. [like flowers, or my favorite candy, or a teddy bear, or anything little and cute. i dont want anything major, just cute stuff]
[♥] kiss my forehead, my cheek, my hand, my neck. [kisses arent always meant to be on the mouth]
[♥] give me sweet & slow kisses. sometimes they are better than rough shove your tounge down my throat kisses.
[♥] surprise me with cute dates or show up randomly at my work
[♥] take me out & pay for everything on the date [not always, just more often than not ... my last relationship, i paid for dates. how right is that?!]
i`m just happy. thanks to derrick. but this is gunna be a slow thing. no throwing myself completely into it, because i dont want to get hurt. or freak myself out, or him out. i mean, when i date someone ... i guess i get kinda obsessive. where i want to talk to them all the time, or be with them as often as possible. and so it freaks people out. haha. its just because when i really like someone i want them to know it. haha i`m just weird. and i say haha too much. :] anyways. i have some new pictures to show you kids. so here we go.
( click this )
♥ smayy
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| quotes & some good news. :] |
[Monday
July 25th 9:20am] |
i`m sittg here, readiny this online quote things at firehotquotes.com and i found a few that made me think about me & cameron ...
"never treat anyone like a priority if they treat you only as an option"
"I used to think I was in love with him,
but that must have been a different him,
or maybe a different me."
"someone is going to hurt you at some point in your life...its up to you to decided who is worth it and who is not"
than i found some friendship ones :]
"a friend is one who knows you, and loves you just the same."
"people change but memories last forever"
"a friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."
life is good. :] derrick asked me out at like 1 in the morning. so we are going out now. as in, he`s my boyfriend. :] totally pumped about that one. he said he was going to come see me at work today. ;] yay. haha. anyways. i feel all stupid because well, i like him. <3 ♥
new layout again. i did it myself this time. SCORE! :]
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| ♥ absolutely amazing |
[Sunday
July 24th 11:18pm] |
what a night! or what a day i should say. i ended up NOT working. which made me happy. my mom made me go see The March Of The Penguins which made me wanna shoot myself. than derrick came and picked me up. he met my mom & chad. than we went to the park for our picinic. we cuddled on the blanket and talked for a while. made out a bit. ate. cuddled more. made out a lot more. than we went to Ben & Jerry`s to get some ice cream. totally awesome ice cream there. best ever. anyways. we went and saw kevin at Subway because he was working. that was loads of fun. we sat in the back room and talked. and derrick gave me a back massage. he was kissing my shoulders while doing it. [which i absolutely loved] than we made out while kevin helped some customers. it was like a little game. than we went to see The Devil`s Rejects which sucked. so we left and went back to the park. needless to say the movie was better after that. ;p however ... picinics in the park = ♥
derrick is awesome. completely awesome. its weird. and yeah, i always really like guys a lot when i start dating them and then things go to hell...but i dont think that will happen. i hope not. he`s exactly what i want. he`s sweet. he`s reliable. he`s freaking hott. he`s a good kisser. he is ... just awesome. now i sound obsessed. haha its just that i`m happy. happier than i have been in a long long time. almost like when cameron & i first got together. shutting up now.
someone tell me what happened to my dearest lizz ... i miss her. haha. ok, i`m out. ♥ stepha mayy
ps i made me Lj completely public, so you dont need an account to comment it. however. leave your name in the subject line of the comment so i know who it is. ♥
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